Category Archives: Infidelity
Legalizing Polygamy: Good or Bad News?
Uprooting and analyzing issues involved: Who is the ultimate victim? You may be
amazed at my findings. Read on.
Welcome to my blog again. In my last post, I promised to tell you more about my
proposed Positive Family Front. I am sorry that I have to move this down the
line because of the urgency of the above topic.
The news of Kenya’s Legalization of Polygamy is going viral in the media and on
the internet and so I want to address the issue now that it is hot. Please go
to this link to learn more about it: http://www.cnn.com/2014/05/01/world/africa/kenya-polygamy-law/
Then follow my insight or analysis of the issue and give me your ever-valued
feedback. Let me start by defining the terms so that we clearly see the
implications of this law as well as its pros and cons. Polygamy, according to a
standard dictionary, means: the practice or condition of having more than one
spouse at a time (compare with bigamy and monogamy). This word polygamy came
from the Greek word poly-gamia. So polygamy means the act of marrying or having
many spouses at the same time. I went further to check the cultural dictionary.
Here, polygamy means the practice of having several wives or husbands at the
same time. I also checked out these related words just to be certain of the
correct use of the words:
1) Polygyny: a) the practice or condition of having more than one wife at the
same time; b) (among male animals) the habit or system of having two or more
mates, either simultaneously or successively; c) (among social insects) the
condition of having two or more functioning queens in a colony; d) (in botany)
the state or condition of having many pistils or styles.
2) Polyandry: a) the practice or condition of having more than one husband at
the same time.
From the definitions of the above terms, I have a few concerns.
1) This law did not specify that only men can marry more than one wife.
Therefore, the wives can equally legally have other men in their lives.
2) The law did not specify the conditions, requirements, and responsibilities
for all the parties involved. In other words, the modus operandi was not
established. This can lead to abuse of this law. Anyone can decide to bring in
more spouses at will, even if it is not affordable financially or otherwise. It
now becomes a matter of instinct to satisfy an immediate urge or emotional
demand. Once that feeling is over, the situation cannot be reversed as the new
members have come to stay.This will create confusion and burden on the head of
the family and all others involved.
3) Now that the world is a global village and many people live outside of their
motherland and are raising their families there, this law is conflicting with
the cultures of the general modern society.
4) The details of the discussion that led to this decision of legalizing
polygamy have not been made available to the public or maybe there was no
deliberation at all. To pass such a law that will seriously impact future
families without a public dialogue may be undemocratic.
5) Bringing back or keeping up with the old traditions without any consideration
of the implications and suitability to the modern needs of the society may cause
more harm than good. These lawmakers might as well bring back the old tradition
of killing newborn twins and sending their mothers into exile as it was an
abomination to produce more than one baby at a time in those days. There are
countless numbers of outdated traditions and practices that should as well be
brought back to fall in line with this decision. What about slavery and the
“outcast” system? Should those ones not be revisited and instated as well?
My message to the Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta and his Parliament is this: be
sure this law is for the good of your country. Make sure that the people that
would take advantage of this law are equal to this task, financially and
otherwise. Make sure that the outcome of this decision, that is, the children
produced in these extra unions, will be adequately cared for. Be sure that you
are doing your best to address the health, well-being, and emotional and
psychological issues resulting from this practice of multiple sex partners which
are advocated by your law.
My caution to Kenyan men and others interested in this law : look before you
leap! Many of you are struggling to make ends meet for your family of one wife
and children. Adding more responsibilities – more mouths to feed and more wives
to deal with – may be too stressful for you in this short life. You should
weigh the pros and cons before getting yourselves into this commitment. This is
because if you bite more than you can chew, disaster and chaos may result and
your family may be torn apart. Guess who the ultimate loser will be? The man
who is the natural head of the family, the provider, the protector, the role
model, and the lover, who is usually cherished, respected, and appreciated.
With multiple wives and several children, are you sure that you can meet this
expectation given the current global economic situation?
In those days, the good old days, the demand for large families was somehow
justified because farming was the only occupation and more hands were needed on
the farms. The more wives and children a man had, the more productive his
family would be. There was cooperation in spite of built-in jealousies,
resentments, competitions, and scrambling for the scarce family resources.
These days, in most African countries, farming is no longer a popular
occupation. Every available piece of land now is converted into building
estates and factories. Mechanized agriculture has taken over the old farming
system. Modern technology has changed people’s lifestyles and value systems.
Children hardly follow their parents to the farm (for the few families that
still have an interest in farming). These days, in most societies, every child
must be in school by law and hired labor has replaced the family workforce.
Most women have becomed enlightened and may not want to share their husbands
with anybody. In some cases where polygyny was tolerated, the first wife’s
consent and cooperation were always vital. In Kenya (and possibly other
countries in the region), there was a clause that allowed the first wife to veto
her husband’s choice of additional spouses. Male members of the Parliament have
successfully pushed to get rid of this clause. With this law backing them up,
men are now free to introduce new spouses without limit or regard to the
existing members of the family. Isn’t this a great decision? How can those men
cope with the family now turned into a battlefield? Will this not bring more
confusion poverty , lack of progress and dysfunction to the family unit? What
is the new definition of family? Is this a healthy way to build up a marriage
and family? And how do you think the children caught in this battlefield will
fare? Most children end up taking sides with their hurting mothers and leaving
their fathers to deal with the consequences of their decisions. Usually in
their old age, such men end up abandoned, lonely, and miserable as they
helplessly watch their family members fight and sometimes kill one another over
the inheritance of this man’s hard earned meager resources. The entire family
may be adversely impacted by the decision but the ultimate loser is the man that
made the decision.The law makers in Kenya’s parliament must make sure that these
ailing and lonely men are protected and provided for at the last stage of their
miserable situations created by the system.Instead of planning for a national
retirement insurance or policy for citizens who made it to the golden age ,as
many civilized countries do ,Kenyan president and his team are busy planning on
how to inflict more burden to the misguided and struggling masses.
When will African countries learn their bitter lessons that any society that has
no respect for women will never progress? For other countries that may follow
Kenya’s example,remember that we are in the 21st century.Do not take your people
back to the Stone Age .It will do no good to anybody!
Therefore, guys, assess the situation well before you embrace this new law.
Make sure you can handle the package that comes with your decision. First of
all, embrace wisdom and value clarification to ensure that the outcome of this
decision is in line with your life goals. The men in the Kenyan Parliament may
think that the law will favor their fellow men, without knowing that it may
bring doom to those men and their families.
Let us discuss this issue further in my next post, with the input from your
feedback. My goal is to see that families flourish with better lives. My
father and my upbringing trained me to love and respect people, especially men,
as you can see in my book, Letters To Men, coming out soon. I hate to see good
family men end up badly. This is why I am raising this awareness so that
unnecessary evils such as Infidelity and Related Sins (I&RS) can be prevented.
Achieving this goal will give the family the greatest joy and give the Greatest
Glory to God, the Creator of this oldest institution – the family. Do you all
see my point? Let me know your thoughts about this law and its implications. I
am your friend DML, The Infidelity Doctor, fighting for the peace and harmony of
For a long time I have been wondering if women are their worst enemies when it comes to relationships, marriage and family. My need to pose this question has become very strong since I started reflecting, reading and researching while writing my book, “Letters to Men,” which is coming out soon.
In as much as I have tons of evidence to show how women have made positive impacts on womens’ issues, evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. I will give a few typical examples and ask you for comments.
With modern technology, the world has become a global village. Any event in one place reaches all corners of the globe instantly. Any time I tend to blame certain behaviors on culture, I almost always stand corrected that people create culture and hold on to the values that favor them; they pick and choose what becomes the norm. This is called ‘selective entitlement.’
In the Dark Ages, most cultures were harsh, primitive, and inhuman, reflecting the wicked and selfish tendencies of human nature. Wars, oppression, suppression, aggression, slavery, banishment, brutality and a host of other inhuman acts enhanced survival of the fittest. It was natural to eliminate the weak so that the strong could thrive and pass on the survival traits suitable for a harsh environment. Those behaviors became cultural norms and the victims were brainwashed and conditioned to justify and defend the acts against them. This picture continues till now in some situations.
Women’s behavior towards other women is one example. Most older women who were subjected to harsh and second-class treatment in their younger years and have become used to mistreatment, tend to resist and discourage any attempts by younger women to fight for their rights, especially in the families they marry into. Some mothers-in-law are the worst offenders in this aspect. They make it impossible for their daughters-in-law to have much say in the family. If the husband happens to be loving and caring towards his wife, you see how critical his mother and sisters will be until he toughens up against the wife, probably, just as his father treated his mother, which unfortunately was normal in the culture. If this young wife protests, she is termed bad and unfit for the family. If this young woman does not have a male child, then her position in the family is highly threatened, as the women in the family will see that another woman is brought in to produce the needed male child.
This phenomenon is common in many families, though people remain silent about it. Only husbands with strong character, (unlike the men in “Everybody Loves Raymond”), can resist such pressures from their beloved mothers and sisters. On the other and, young wives may come into the family with selfish tendencies but there is always a more civilized way to handle it. Women are not supposed to pose a threat to their fellow women in the family. In most cases, jealousy is always implicated.
Another example where women ruin their fellow women’s marriage is in the case of infidelity. When a married man flirts, he usually does so with women who know that he is married even if he denies it. In some cases the women know who the wife is and may even be friendly with her too, yet they are willing to step in and cause confusion. Some of them are ready to move into the home of their rivals at the slightest sign of a couple’s dispute or temporary separation. Are such women so desperate that their consciences (if they have any), cannot tell them to keep off and give peace a second chance, no matter the reasons and pressures involved? Are such women not true enemies of women and family? I am not ignoring the role of the men caught in such betrayals but my focus here is on women for now.
From my experience and exposure, I can comfortably say that the most threat to family stability these days is pressure on men, especially from the women in their lives: their wives, mistresses, mothers, sisters and other related women. Unless those wives play their cards well and ‘worship’ some of these women in the family, their peace of mind is not guaranteed. If the wives are blessed with wise and successful children, especially sons, then their interests may be protected if these wives survive to see the children grow up. Such is the harsh reality facing most women in many cultures. Is this not a cause for concern? I think it is imperative to appeal to all women to look out for their fellow women and be fair and careful in dealing with such sensitive issues such as marriage and family. As the older women learn to give couples their space, the young wives must do their best to treat their in-laws well, especially the females, as they treat their own parents and siblings. Remember the old saying: “what is good for the goose is good for the gander.”
Relationships must be fair and reciprocal to be enjoyable and lasting as it takes two to tango. I know a typical family that has four daughters who are professionals and married. Their paternal family is happy and ready to call upon these daughters for financial help at any time but resist any attempt by their equally professional wives to extend to their own paternal families. We should try to avoid such double standards that epitomize selfishness and cause division and discord in families. This is a major problem challenging peace in many families these days and we will be addressing it more later. Women are working harder and bringing home handsome paychecks. They must be encouraged to equally take care of their parents and relatives, otherwise the cash flow may stop or change directions. No woman can afford to ignore her own family because she is married. Who brought her into the world and raised her? This is common sense!
In conclusion, I must re- emphasize that in most cases of Infidelity and Related Sins, (I&RS), women outside the nuclear family are almost always implicated. Since some men have the tendency to make poor choices when it comes to intimate relationships, I call on women to take control and look out for the interest of their fellow women as they compete for the men’s love and purse strings.
We, as women would not like to see our daughters treated badly in their marital families. Therefore, we must protect other women’s daughters who come into our families. Most mothers believe that no woman is good enough for their sons, even when he does not have much to offer except that he is ‘the man’. Now that girls are doing better than boys in many areas of life, we mothers and grandmothers must find a way to prepare our sons (and daughters) for the changing gender roles in families and society. All hands must be on deck for future families to be guaranteed hope, peace and harmony.This is a task for all of us.
I recommend the following resources:
The book, “I am Nujood : age 10 and Divorced”, by Nujood Ali and Delphine Minoui. It is also available as eBook from Random House.
The article, “Today’s Family: Proclamation Still a Clarion Call,”
From the official website of Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints.
A Commentary by some Elders.
Thank you and happy reading. As we celebrate Valentine’s Day today, please keep my advice in mind!
-Dr. Mother Love
This is a continuation of our discussion on infidelity and family leadership.
Here is a brief recap:
The family unit is the foundation of every society and must be protected from
within and without. A close look at family dynamics reveals that protection from
within is most vital and that the heads or leaders of this vulnerable unit need
the wisdom to make healthy choices. Obviously Infidelity and Related Sins are
not part of these choices. Therefore, family leaders guilty of these bad behaviors
lie a foundation for disaster. Such heads of the family lack morals and
integrity among other desirable leadership qualities and they should not expect
or demand respect or loyalty from family members no matter their status in
society or the culture they cling onto.
The era for getting away with such practices is over. The focus was on men who are more likely to violate this trust and cause undue hardship to innocent members of the family and society at large.
Today my focus will be on women who have now become major bread winners and family heads globally. How are they handling their new roles especially in the face of the current epidemic of Infidelity and Related Sins (I & RS)? Are they also partly the cause of this crippling family dysfunction? Let us look at some facts and figures: The popular trend worldwide about family leadership is that women are taking an upper hand as breadwinners for various reasons, including their increasing acceptance and participation in the job market as a result of proven track records in every aspect of life, especially their positive role in the family.
On the other hand, how much are they contributing to family dysfunction in the area of
infidelity and related sins (I & RS)?
In this article I will only identify the existence of female infidelity in different societies and in subsequent articles I will delve into some of the reasons for these bad behaviors by both men and women.
So, just as it is evident that men are most likely to be unfaithful, how true is this of women? While there are no hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts believe that this bad behavior is on the rise especially among women who are successful in their careers and have a degree of financial independence. On the other hand, poverty can drive women into promiscuity and we will talk about these factors later. Lately in the media, there are constant stories of cheating husbands and the deadly resulting consequences, but there is also a bigger story on the rising number of unfaithful females especially, for women under 25 and older than 60. For male infidelity, it is estimated that over 50% of men will cheat in their lifetime and this has been a steady fact, but it is even more unfortunate and most troubling that female cheating is on the rise and may one day catch up with men.
Some researchers believe that what is rising is not the rate of female infidelity but the awareness of it. In the past, infidelity has remained a very hidden behavior for women, (compared with men) mostly due to fear of consequences if discovered. Such punishments include: beating, mutilation, ostracizing, and killing by brutal means, from strangulation to stoning. In some developing parts of the world, women who commit adultery are
forced to wear scarlet letters or decried in the public town square. In such communities, a separated or divorced woman is a social misfit. Growing up in such an environment, I remember witnessing how hostile and insecure most wives were if they saw such women talking to or socializing with their husbands during parties or social gatherings. They regard such as scandalous and did all they could to discourage that, including direct verbal confrontation with the women. While not necessarily considered admirable, female infidelity is not widely condemned in the western world. As more women engage in infidelity, the question is: does this kind of “equal opportunity” really benefit women and those they love? In my experience, families most caught in this confusion are ‘African families in the Diaspora’ (African families living outside their motherland). The conflict of culture and double standards about sexual freedom are tearing families apart. The cost of “bad behavior” by heads of families is becoming unbearable financially and otherwise.
I will be exposing some bitter realities people and society are “silent” about in my subsequent blog articles. Don’t forget to follow my blog so you won’t miss them. I welcome comments, feedback and insights.
Dr. Mother Love
The family unit is at the heart of raising healthy, happy, successful children, and achieving one’s maximum life fulfillment as a parent. It is therefore necessary to pay attention to the family unit and protect it from impending danger. The family loves, protects, supports, guides, and nurtures all of its members unconditionally. The acknowledgement of the importance of this unit has led to support and services from a variety of sources: the government, the community, the school system, the religious community, and many more. These entities make up an external support system, all coming from outside the family unit. It is vital to look closer and evaluate the quality of the support from within the family, especially how its leadership is piloting the affairs of the family, including the physical and emotional health of all its members. Like every institution, the quality of a family’s leadership depends on the ability and wisdom of its leader to exercise sound judgment in the best interests of all its members.
Parents and family members become natural leaders within their own families. What values, skills, and competences must these natural leaders have to do their jobs well? I will only touch on one value: faithfulness to one’s marriage vow. Infidelity and Related Sins (I & RS) are among the worst triggers of family dysfunction, and it is time to aggressively protect the family against them.
According to Wikipedia, a dysfunctional family is “a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions.” Most children growing up in such families tend to understand this as normal and may repeat this unhealthy process in their future relationships and families, so the vicious circle continues. Infidelity occurs when a partner goes outside the relationship for physical or emotional needs; the other partner may end the relationship or may forgive the offender and stay, but either way, extramarital affairs deal major blows that send painful ripples to all members of the family, causing permanent damage.
In most families, these offenders are usually men, but these days females are catching up with men in this dangerous behavior. For now, I will focus on the male. In most circumstances, he is the head of the household: the provider, protector, leader, lover, role model, and more. You can imagine the magnitude of disappointment and betrayal other family members must feel to see their idol indulge in such demeaning actions like infidelity, sometimes repeatedly, and with no apology, as is the case of families with outdated cultural values that have little respect for women and children. Can such a leader ever be effective or enjoy the loyalty, respect, and trust of family members even when he demands them after a careless act of infidelity? Why should he complain or feel disappointed if he loses their cooperation? Are such serious consequences not enough to deter these behaviors?
Recently a friend called me to report that her husband, after over thirty years of marriage, moved out of their home because he “did not get any respect or cooperation from his wife and children.” Later, I found out the truth about the situation. He was having extramarital affairs, and when his wife and children discovered this and confronted him, instead of being apologetic, he became defensive, citing faults of every member in the family, and praising his mistress in their faces. At this point, he lost every last atom of respect from them and so had to leave.
A leader who can risk losing his family for selfish and personal gratification has no wisdom and no family goals. His leadership will more than likely meet a dead end. No intelligent person will follow a leader who lacks direction. Therefore, family leaders, male or female, do not demand respect as a birthright, but instead try to earn respect by exhibiting integrity and wisdom and the knowledge of the direction in which the family is heading. Faithfulness to your marriage vow is vital for the success of your leadership. We are in the 21st century, and most people, especially women, are speaking out and making better and healthier choices in their lives. The era of coping with bad behavior is over. Be wise and reject Infidelity and Related Sins (I & RS) and enjoy the peace and harmony of a happy home.
–Dr. Mother Love, The Infidelity Doctor.
Dr. MotherLove, here, the Infidelity doctor. Read the rest of this entry
I, Dr. Mother Love, the “Infidelity Doctor,” am shocked at the alarming rate with which the infidelity net is catching fish, both big and small. Politics, power, and infidelity seem to be hot topics in the news and on social media these days. There are too many scandals exposed about the rich and famous, and the powerful and prominent heads of governments, institutions, and families. All these supposedly-great people are falling into what I call Infidelity and Related Sins, I &RS, dragnets, (not to be confused with the Internal Revenue Service). However, both carry serious consequences if their rules are violated. There is a long list of prominent figures who have been caught in this web of infidelity, but I will mention only a few of them.
The latest on the list is the 70-year-old San Diego Mayor, Bob Filner, who has admitted to sexually harassing several women while in office. He has apologized, gone to therapy for two weeks, and plans to return to full-time duties as mayor. Thank goodness the San Diego County Democratic Party has voted 36-6 for this mayor to resign. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chair of the DNC has stated that there is no place for this type of conduct in the workplace or in city hall and public office. I would also add that there is no place for infidelity in the family or in society, and yet it is happening almost everywhere, often destroying our most-cherished values. Taking responsibility and promising to be a better person are no longer a guarantee to trust these violators. What about the former U.S. Rep., Anthony Weiner, who sent nude photos of himself to women online? When caught, he apologized and resigned, but shortly after continued his bad behavior. He is even currently planning to run for the mayor of New York. Have you forgotten about the former governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, a two-time governor, three-time Congressman, a potential presidential candidate, and a rising star? He left his office, disappeared for a week, and flew to Argentina to meet his mistress, all while he was still married. When confronted, he apologized and resigned and disappeared from the public eye for a while, but reappeared to run and win the Senate seat. Now he is engaged to that same woman after his wife divorced him. There are many more such shocking stories. Society seems to be adjusting and accepting this bad behavior as permissible. Otherwise, Mark Sanford could not have won the seat after all of his infidelity. Do not be surprised that Anthony Weiner might become the next New York mayor as the scandal continues.
My point is, our current approach to Infidelity and Related Sins is not effective enough to deter potential offenders, big or small, powerful or commonplace, rich or poor, public servant or privately employed. We must revisit the problem of infidelity and identify the root causes of this bad behavior. Then, and only then, can permanent solutions be instilled for the good of society at large.
Please feel free to comment or share and join in on the dialogue to fight Infidelity and Related Sins.
–Dr. Mother Love